


sunshine (in your smile)

by buzuki



Category: K-pop, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, I Guess...?, Romantic Comedy, Sexuality Crisis, lots of gay panic, they are in a lgbt club
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 18:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16068557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzuki/pseuds/buzuki
Summary: Joohyun has been thinking a lot about Seulgi, the cute barista. But she's still figuring out what that means for her.or:Seulgi helps Joohyun come to terms with her sexuality.





	1. one

“Then he asked me out, _very romantically,_ I must add. But I don’t know if I like him in, you know, that way yet.”

Joohyun nods again in response for the nth time that day, trying to mask her disinterest with the topic by puffing loudly and wiping sweat off her forehead. August is, as always, cruel with them. The humid weather making it impossible to walk without a care. Joohyun suddenly gets annoyed at herself for not choosing a thinner outfit before she got out of her apartment. But she’s wearing a baby blue button up along with black jeans and she’s sure she had sweat half of the water her body had.

“Are you even listening to me?” Her friend, Myunghee, asks, poking her arm.

“Huh?” Joohyun gets out of her trance, “Yeah, sure. I think you’ll get there in time. Maybe go on a date with him?”

Joohyun hadn’t gone on a date since her sophomore year in high school but Myunghee doesn’t need to know that. She’s surprisingly good at giving advice on romance anyway. It isn’t that difficult to pretend like she knows so much about boys and love. Plus, as Joohyun had observed, if she acts enough similar to people, they would eventually dissolve and become friendly towards her, happy to find someone else that is just like them. So, it’s a win-win situation, she listens to people’s love lives and in return, finds a temporary remedy to her loneliness.

Myunghee sighs but lets it go, changing the subject instead. “It’s too hot, isn’t it? Look, there’s a coffee shop. I bet they have air conditioner.”

The small coffee shop seems like an oasis in the humid weather. It doesn’t look like an extraordinary one but anything would do, as long as they offer some iced coffee and an escape from this sticky mess. Someone open the door to go out with takeout coffee as they near the entrance and the faint sound of music makes its way out of the shop to Joohyun’s ears. She recognizes the song immediately, it’s one of her favorites. She absentmindedly thinks, even if the shop doesn’t have anything to stand out from the others, at least they have a nice playlist. Then, she steps into the shop, the cold air from the AC making her sweat covered body shiver suddenly.

She makes eye contact with the barista, a girl in her early 20’s, dark brown hair, monolids and bangs.

Pretty, is the first thing that comes to Joohyun’s mind.

“What are you getting?”

She looks up to see Myunghee staring at her skeptically. “Uh, I’m not sure, please order first.”

With that, her friend leaves her to stare at the menu that’s hanged on the wall like she’s trying to solve an overcomplicated math problem. She doesn’t even realize that Myunghee had ordered before leaving to sit on one of the tables in front of the counter and demanding Joohyun to be quick until she hears a voice calling her.

“Miss?”

She turns only to see the barista eyeing her expectantly with hints of a soft smile on her face.

“What can I get you?” She asks, gesturing to the menu, “Do you need help?”

Joohyun blinks, noticing the way the girl’s eyes disappear when she smiles, “Oh, yeah, that would be great.”

The barista looks like she’s thinking for a while, “Well, I don’t suppose you’re a big fan of coffee. So, you would like something sweet, right? Also, it’s really hot out, you must want a cold drink.”

Joohyun can only nod in return.

“Do you have any allergies? Can I make something as I desire?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

The barista smiles and goes to prepare her coffee, adding ingredients on her own. Caramel, milk and was that chocolate Joohyun saw?

A few minutes pass with the girl making coffee confidently and Joohyun watching her every move until- “Here!”

The girl presents her the cup, which looks delicious with a generous amount of cream and chocolate.

“Thank you.” Joohyun says, genuinely happy for the first time that day. She proceeds talking as she reaches for her wallet. “How much is it?”

“Oh,” the barista replies with a giggle, waving a hand, “Don’t worry. It’s on the house.”

Joohyun blinks in confusion. She glaces up at the barista’s nervously smiling face before she can’t help but ask. “Huh, why though?”

The girl behind the counter hastily explains. “You might not like it since I made it without asking you. Please, take it.”

Joohyun doesn’t have anything to fight back with, so she just stares at the pretty barista in return. Her hair looks so soft, she thinks discreetly before she’s able to shake off her thoughts.

“Alright, thanks.” She turns her back after grabbing the cup, making their fingers brush briefly. She knows that the pretty girl was just about to say something but she ignores it, making her way towards her friend instead.

When finally settles on her chair, her friend the other girl has a frown on her face. “What took you so long?”

“What?” Joohyun blurts out, thinking she was there for just a few moments.

 “I’ve been waiting for almost ten minutes. Did the barista say something to you?”

Apparently not.

“No…” She peeps over the barista, seeing the girl taking care of another customer. “I didn’t know what to get so maybe that’s why I took so long. Sorry.”

Myunghee takes a sip from her drink and starts to talk about her love life again, much to Joohyun’s displeasure. “So, yeah, he was at that party yesterday….”

Joohyun doesn’t know at what point she had stopped listening and instead started to focus on random things in the coffee shop.

29 chairs, 10 tables, 20 drinks in the menu and one cute barista.

I wonder where she got her shirt, Joohyun questions in her head and nods to whatever her friend is saying. It’s not that she doesn’t like Myunghee, it’s just that they have totally different interests in life. Which makes it harder for Joohyun to feel a deep connection with the girl. But then again, this is the case for most of her friends.

“Why are you staring at the barista?”

 “H-huh?” Joohyun glances at her friend in disbelief, “I’m not?”

“You are.”

“No!” Joohyun protests even though she knows her friend is right. Staring at people for no reason is weird.

Myunghee shrugs and goes back to telling her story.

**

This is perfectly normal, she says to herself when it’s two days later and she’s out of her house to go to the small shop again, I just liked the ambiance and the music.

The shop is not located close to her house too. She drenches in sweat once again, she realizes, when she’s trying to find things to say to the barista.

She enters the shop and immediately decides that this is a horrible idea. But then the pretty barista looks up and it’s too late to run away. She had planned to ask for the drink she had the other day. However, as she now realizes, God knows how many customers the barista has every day so maybe she doesn’t even remember Joohyun.

She walks up to the counter and before she can say anything the barista spots her. “Oh! Hi there. Did you like the drink… was it yesterday?”

Joohyun can’t help the grin that’s spreading on her face, feeling accomplished at not being forgotten. “Yeah, I liked it very much. Thank you.”

“So, what can I get you today?”

“I was thinking… the same thing?” Joohyun answers.

“Of course!”

Minutes later, when the barista happily hands her the drink, her gaze drops to the other girl’s apron, looking for a name tag. To her disappointment, there isn’t one.

What kind of coffee shop doesn’t use name tags?

She takes her coffee and sits, glancing over to the barista from time to time.

**

 “You want to go that place _again_?”

The sarcasm in Myunghee’s voice is bitter but Joohyun chooses to ignore it. Instead she answers with a fake chirpy tone, “Why not?”

“It’s so small.” One of their other friends cuts in, “And far away too. Let’s just hang out in the cafeteria.”

Joohyun feels the disappointment down in her stomach but doesn’t push. She knows more than anyone that her obsession with the coffee shop is strange. She likes the barista a bit too much for it to not be weird. She doesn’t quite understand the reason behind her persistent attention towards the girl but she… perhaps wants to be friends with her? After her countless visits, she had figured out the barista is also responsible for the music in the shop. And she keeps playing some of Joohyun’s favorite songs. Also, lately, she started to give Joohyun free dessert too. Joohyun had found it bizarre to get free stuff for no reason at first but she isn’t really in the position to say no to a delicious piece of lemon cake.

In the end, they have similar taste in music and the barista acts nice towards her. Enough reason to want to befriend someone.

“Okay,” Joohyun admits defeat, “Let’s hang out in the cafeteria.”

**

“Hi.” The barista looks smiley as ever and oddly enough, seeing her like that makes Joohyun happy. “Haven’t seen you around for a while.”

Joohyun opens her mouth to answer and closes it without saying anything because:

  1. The barista recognizes her face
  2. The barista knows she comes to the shop regularly
  3. The barista had noticed that she hadn’t been around lately
  4. The barista cared enough to ask



All of a sudden, Joohyun is overwhelmed with excitement, smiling dumbly. “Yeah, the new semester just started and things are hectic lately in the university.”

It is partially true. She’s extremely busy, being a senior and all but the real reason she hadn’t been visiting as frequently is, neither her apartment nor her university is close to the shop. The extra work to get here seems unnecessary lately. Although, after this small talk Joohyun knows that she will be making that effort.

“Tell me about it.” The barista laughs but before Joohyun can ask which year she’s in or which university she’s going she continues talking, “Do you want the usual again?”

“Uhm, sure.”

The girl grimaces softly like she doesn’t like what she had been told. “It’s getting colder and colder lately. Do you want me to make something warm, rather than iced-coffee?”

Joohyun’s stupid heart starts beating rapidly, a feeling she can’t name settling in her stomach. “S-sure. Make anything you want.”

While she’s waiting for her coffee, more like staring at the back of the cute barista, Joohyun’s brain starts working like it never did before. What is this giddy feeling? Is it because she doesn’t have many close friends? That could be it, she thinks, maybe the want for being taken care of by someone has captured her desires so she feels this strange pull to this girl just because she gives her a fake feeling of safety.

Yeah, that must be it.

“Here’s your coffee, enjoy!”

She hears the sound of a tray getting placed on the counter and when she turns to look at it she sees a fuming cup of coffee and a piece of lemon cake. She tries to make her way towards the counter to pay but she finds that the barista is already taking care of another customer. She point to the tray with a tilt of her head when their eyes meet for a spilt second.

There’s a note on it.

Oh.

The feeling in her stomach deepens as she read the words on the paper.

_Hope you have time to come again soon. It’s on the house._

_-Seulgi_

Her heart and stomach are having a backflipping contest in her body.

So, her name is Seulgi, Joohyun thinks and then abruptly realizes what does that feeling that’s located deep into heart mean.

She might have a little bit of a problem.

**

She opens her computer, as soon as she gets home. The feeling has been bugging her ever since she had gotten _the_ _note_ , which she folded neatly and put in her jean pocket.  

Joohyun isn’t stupid. She knows that she had spent over a month on obsessing over a random girl in a coffee shop. This isn’t considered _normal_ behavior by her friend group.

But she had never thought she is a… you know.

She opens the internet browser and taps furiously: _How do I know if I’m a lesbian_

Thousands of answers come up and Joohyun clicks on the least suspicious looking website, hoping to get some information.

**_ danytarg12 asked: _ ** _Hi guys. I’m a 16-year-old female. Lately, I’ve been feeling attracted to girls. But I’m not sure about what that means for me. Can someone help me? What is my sexuality?_

_over a year ago_

**_ dirtyescape42 answered: _ ** _lol y dont u try watching some porn_

Joohyun sighs at the overly inappropriate replies and scrolls down in the hope of finding something useful.

**_ yogirl answered: _ ** _Hello there. I was in your position a few years ago. I can’t help you without personally knowing you but maybe talk to someone in real life? Figuring out your sexuality is a tough situation._

**_ lovewins answered: _ ** _Take an internet quiz about it! Thats what I did :D_

Okay, thinks Joohyun as she opens a new tab and types: _Lesbian quiz_

_Hello, lovelies. Are you having a hard time coping with all those sacred feelings? Suddenly started to see your closest friends as women? Or do you, perhaps, have your attention on some fellow cute girl? Do not worry! You’ve come to the right place. This quiz will tell you your sexuality. %100 guaranteed_ _._ _(Pls share and like :P)_

_Q1: In the last 5 years how many men has caught your attention?_

Joohyun thinks, thinks hard and clicks on the box that says 0.

_Q2: What do you think of men?_

  1. _OMG yass men :D_
  2. _They’re okay I guess_
  3. _I like them_
  4. _ew_



Not knowing if she should laugh or cringe at the bizarre options she clicks on the b.

_Q3: What would you say if a woman asked you out?_

  1. _No way_
  2. _I’d think about it_
  3. _Politely decline_
  4. _Is she hot?_



Well, which woman is asking Joohyun out? How old is she? Does she have a secure job, an apartment? Could she be… the cute barista, Seulgi? What would it be like to date Seulgi anyway? She’d probably be gentle with everything. She seemed like that type, yes. Would Joohyun like that? Well, what would it be like to date a woman? They would be very… soft, Joohyun imagines. All curves and no rough lines. Joohyun had always felt like girls were much more compatible with her than boys.

She shrugs and answers: _Is she hot?_

_Q4: Have you ever felt attraction towards other girls?_

Joohyun doesn’t think before clicking _no_.

_Q5: What do you think when you see another woman’s hands?_

  1. _I wonder what is the brand of their nail polish_
  2. _Nice_
  3. _Don’t have any thoughts_
  4. _Ooooh boy oooooohhh boyy_



Even though Joohyun hardly understands the question or the answers, she doesn’t bat an eye as she selects c, she could google lesbians and hands later.

Bunch of questions come and go and then finally Joohyun clicks to the button which says: Get Results! with great expectations. She waits a few seconds for the page to load, only to be confronted by a few sentences in a square-shaped blue box.

_Hello! Based on your test results, you’re %74 in a questioning phase. You will figure your sexuality out in no time. Don’t worry and good luck!_

Joohyun stares at her computer screen for a few minutes in disbelief. She knows she’s questioning her sexuality! That’s why she had solved this stupid quiz in the first place.

Groaning in frustration she turns off her computer and with a drive she decides to call curiosity (what else…excitement? need?) she takes the note out of her jean pocket. She reads it over and over again like she will be able to find the answer to her questions between the lines.

What she actually finds is that, Seulgi’s handwriting isn’t exactly neat but crooked a little. Maybe she had written the words down without thinking, in a hurry. Joohyun thinks she wouldn’t like that. The barista’s note makes her unreasonably happy in a way she can’t explain. It’s almost as if she has a crus-

_Uh oh._

**

Joohyun stops going to the coffee shop.

It’s pure fear of what can happen in the future that is controlling her actions. She doesn’t like where this is going so she shuts herself down to the whole idea. She dares to deny the truth as a whole until, approximately two and a half weeks later, she sees an announcement on the board she always passes by to go to her statistics class.

LGBT CLUB

is looking for members! You are not alone!

_Meeting is at class I210 on Tuesday at 5 PM_

 

She intends to just take a quick look and continue her path to class, really. It would’ve been like that if it wasn’t for-

“Hi!”

Joohyun turns to look at the source of the noise. It’s a seemingly harmless girl. She has bangs and fairy-like features.

“Hi?” Joohyun answers, a little bit unsure.

“I saw you looking at the LGBT club’s ad.”

Joohyun’s face tenses with the uncertainty of the small girl’s sentence’s meaning. “I- Uhm…”

“I don’t mean it in a bad way!” The girl clarifies, lifting both of her hands up defensively, “I’m in the club. We always need new members.”

“Uh… I wasn’t… looking at… ah… you misunderstood.” Joohyun splutters out, terrified of the conversation to come. She lowers her head and lets her hair fall into her face, hiding the discomfort that’s caused by the sudden proposal.

“Oh,” The girl’s smile falters but doesn’t leave her face. Instead she looks at Joohyun like she _knows_. “Well, just keep in mind that everyone is always welcomed. Allies too.”

Joohyun opens her mouth to answer but she just doesn’t know what to say. The girl sees Joohyun’s hesitation and saves her from it. “It’s up to you. Don’t worry about it.”

With that she leaves quickly. Joohyun watches as she makes her way towards a girl who’s much more taller. Fairy girl gives her a kiss on the cheek and they walk off to somewhere, hand in hand.

Joohyun doesn’t comprehend why in that exact moment but she feels her heart break.

**

It’s been bugging her.

The thought of going to that stupid club is eating her mind alive. It’s close to the first thing she thinks when she wakes up in the mornings, it comes to her mind during classes, even when she had to study!

What can this club do to help her situation, huh? She’s not strictly against people being… gay. To be honest, she’s never thought much about sexualities before. Even her own one apparently. She understands that she’s not as straight as she had thought she was. And lately, there came the itching desire to talk about it with someone. She needs to be consulted because she can’t deal with the ambiguity she feels about something so fundamental about herself.

So, in the end she gives in to her strong want.

On Tuesday, she finds herself standing by the door of the class I210 at 16:40. She tries to look busy but in reality, she only watches the students chatting and greeting each other, sensing a ping of jealousy settling in her stomach.

It’s 16.55 when she spots the fairy girl again. She’s with the tall one again. Their proximity makes Joohyun assume that they’re a couple. She tells herself she hadn’t meant to but she stares intently, eyes more curious than ever.

“Oh!”

_Damn it._

The fairy girl, along with the other one, makes her way towards her. Her face is supporting a huge grin which makes Joohyun think that she’s not surprised to find her here.

“I didn’t think that you would be joining us.” The girl blatantly lies. The way her eyes shines persistently tells Joohyun, _yes, she very much knew that she would be joining them._ “You’re here for that, right?”

Deciding to play along Joohyun answers, “Yeah, I’m here for that… as an ally.”

The girl lifts her eyebrows and her smile turns to cynical for a moment. “Sure,” she says, before bowing politely, “My name’s Seungwan.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Joohyun. I’m a senior.”

“Oh! You’re my unnie then.” The girl giggles, and then points to the tall girl, “And this is Sooyoung, my _girlfriend_.”

The emphasis on girlfriend doesn’t go unnoticed by Joohyun but she turns to the girl and gives her the least anxious smile she can manage to keep on her face. “Hi.”

The girl, Sooyoung, seems pleased with the lack of negative response Joohyun is giving and shows her a friendly smile at last. “Nice to meet you, sunbae. I hope you give our club a chance.”

**

The meeting doesn’t start at the given time which makes Joohyun even more anxious than before. There are more people than she had thought there would be, most of the faces unfamiliar to her. She sees a few obvious couples, arms linked together and giving each other loving glances. It doesn’t scare her, like she had anticipated, but it piques her curiosity instead. Averting her gaze from the other people, she focuses on her hands as a nervous habit. It’s just at that moment when she hears a woman’s voice, loud and relaxed.

“Okay, our dear vice president texted me saying she’ll be running a little late because she’s working someone else's shift.” The woman walks up in the middle of the room as she speaks, taking a glance at everyone’s face including Joohyun’s simultaneously, “She said that we don’t need to wait for her. So, I’m starting this meeting up.” After seeing everybody nod in agreement, she continues, “I’m the president of this club, name’s Byulyi, and our main goal here is to provide a safe environment for the LGBTQ+ students here. So, we’re always open and thankful for your ideas as well.” She scratches her head, trying to find other things to say, “Uhm, we meet every week here. Mostly to just chill and chat, we don’t really do many club activities.” A few people groan in disappointment. “But, don’t worry, this can change! We do some book days sometimes, we do readings on gender studies and stuff.” She glances over to another girl who nods at her in encouragement as if to say go on, “Yeah, and I see some new faces here. So, why don’t we just introduce ourselves? I’ll start. Moon Byulyi, third year, lesbian.”

She instructs the girl who she had glanced at earlier which she promptly reacts. “Yongsun, senior, also lesbian. And I’m this loser of a president’s girlfriend.”

“You don’t have to state your sexuality, do it only if you’re comfortable doing so.” Byulyi adds, “I forgot to say that earlier.”

A series of introductions go on as the pit inside Joohyun’s stomach deepens. She’s not the one to get nervous at things like that but something in her mind makes her pray that she’ll be skipped over. But life’s cruel in many ways since the girl who’s sitting to her right opens his mouth to talk, leaving Joohyun to be the next in line.

“Yerim, first year, very much bi.”

Just as she closes his mouth, and every pair of eyes turn to Joohyun, the door of the classroom open drastically, saving her from speaking up.

A girl who’s wearing a big puffy trenchcoat is revealed suddenly, looking very much like she had run across the entire campus but she’s resembles sunshine on a spring day with a big grin on her face.

Joohyun gasps dramatically.

It is her. It is the pretty barista.

“Seulgi!” The president, Byulyi, exclaims suddenly, “You made it.”

“Hi, unnie.” Seulgi greets back, paying no mind to the room of eyes that follow her as she takes a seat just near Seungwan, “I couldn’t not come to the first meeting to the club that I’m the vice-president of, right?”

Joohyun hopes, begs that the girl won’t notice her among the people in the room. But luck isn’t on her side as always since Byulyi turns to her after Seulgi is seated and apologizes for the interruption, urging Joohyun to go on.

She swallows nervously, eyes strictly on her lap. “Uh, I’m Joohyun.” She mumbles in a quiet voice, hoping that Seulgi won’t hear her. “I’m a senior.”

Yet she hears a gasp from the other side of the room, very clearly belonging to Seulgi. She sees her leaning towards her direction to get a clearer look with the corner of her eye and wishes that her hair is covering her face enough. She’s so distracted by trying to conceal herself that she doesn’t even realize that people in the room waiting for her to say more.

But as she must’ve sensed her distress, Byulyi saves her by chiming in. “Nice to meet you, Joohyun, we hope to see more of you in the future.”

Joohyun pretends to listen as the next person speaks, in reality trying to calm her beating heart. What kind of a coincidence is this, she questions, how could she run into Seulgi of all people here?

She tries hard not to take her face inside her hands and groan when she spots Seulgi approaching to her with quiet steps to not disturb whoever’s introducing herself. She finally plops down next to Joohyun, giving her a shy smile that she likes so much to see. Her heartbeats fasten again as she watches Seulgi support her head with a hand, glancing up to her.

“Hi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” She whispers, coming a little closer to make herself heard, “You haven’t been to the shop lately.”

Joohyun can only gulp for the next few moments, only to blurt out in a muffled voice. “I’m kind of busy nowadays.”

“It’s okay.” The girl smiles, “We’ll see each other here as it seems.”

Joohyun knew that this was a horrible idea all along.


	2. two

**Moon Byulyi**

Last check!

Are u guys ready for the film screening tonight?

**Kang Seulgi**

At 8 at the club room

**Park Sooyoung**

What were we watching again??

**Kim Yerim**

Don’t tell me we’re seeing oceans 8 again

If I hear one more word from y’all about homoromantic subtext I’ll die

**Son Seungwan**

THEY WERE IN LOVE

AND CATE BLANCHETT IS FOR TH E GAYS

**Moon Byulyi**

Geez guys…

We’re seeing the handmaiden

Joohyun locks her phone after distastefully checking the LGBT club’s group chat. She herself isn’t very sure how she ended up joining it. Everything else that came after Seulgi’s arrival seems surreal to Joohyun now. The girl had talked to Joohyun for the rest of the meeting and Joohyun’s surprised how sweet the younger woman is, the soft smile on her face never wavering.

She’s reluctant to go for a number of reasons, one of which being the girl previously mentioned. She’s not sure that this feeling she has towards Seulgi is attraction. Perhaps Joohyun just wants to be friends with her, she’s been having a hard time trying to find people to hang out with lately. Just as she’s having these thoughts, her phone buzzes, displaying a name Joohyun doesn’t want to think of.

**From: Kang Seulgi (14.13)**

Will I see you at the movie screening today? ^^

Joohyun freezes upon the sudden question. She could always say that she plans on studying tonight, but now that she’s asked directly some feeling that resembles curiosity in her awakens.

**From: Kang Seulgi (14.15)**

This is Seulgi btw

From the coffee shop and the club

Joohyun’s heart starts pounding fast again as she tries to type an intelligible response.

**To: Kang Seulgi (14.16)**

Hi! I remember you

Idk if I’m going actually

**From: Kang Seulgi (14.16)**

Aww why ☹

Not knowing how to reply, Joohyun looks around in the cafeteria, frustrated. A little piece of her wants to say yes to Seulgi’s offer, but at the same time she’s faced with this giant uncomfortable feeling in her chest.

**To: Kang Seulgi (14.17)**

I don’t know anyone there that’s why ;;;

**From: Kang Seulgi (14.17)**

You know me ^^

But I won’t force you, just know that I’m saving you a seat if you feel like coming

Joohyun sets her phone down abruptly as she spots Myunghee approaching along with other two friends. They make their way towards Joohyun’s table and leave their trays on it.

“Hi Joohyun.” Myunghee greets her in an unenthusiastic voice, “Can you believe what that ass, Minjun, said to me?” She goes on her vent to their other friends, “We’ve been dating for only two months!”

Joohyun sighs discreetly to her friend’s continuing boy problems, and she grimaces a little when she finds herself not being able to feel connected to this side of the world at all. She proceeds to listen but she’s horrified by the fact that she can’t picture herself having this kind of life ever. She feels like a switch has been turned inside of her mind all of a sudden, like she can’t sit in this table any longer after this.

“Hey, Joohyun.” One of their friends call for her, “Do you want to go to that barbecue place tonight?”

“Ah… I think I have some stuff to do.” Joohyun rejects, still high on her epiphany earlier, “I’ll do some studying, sorry.”

“Too bad.” Myunghee comments, “The waiter always gives us free stuff because you’re too pretty.”

**

There are fairly less people in the club room than the other day, which makes Joohyun’s previously firm steps a little reluctant and fearful. It was obviously easier to hide in the crowd. But she still makes her way inside, eyes roaming hesitantly for a place to sit. She settles on one of the chairs at the back to not attract much attention. Seulgi is nowhere to be seen, one of the few faces she remembers being Yongsun who looks like she’s ready to wrestle the projector to connect with the computer any second. She lifts her head up exasperatedly as Joohyun settles on her chair, dropping her bag down on the table.

“Does anyone know how to do this thing?” Yongsun asks and then adds under her breath with hopelessness. “Why did Byul think that I could do this?”

“Did you press the F5 button?” Seungwan tries to aid the poor senior, “Or was it F4?”

Just as she’s made her way to the computer the door opens and reveals Byulyi and Seulgi, who are carrying at least 5 boxes of pizza each. Joohyun watches as they put the pizza on a table nearby and turn to Yongsun with judging stares.

“You couldn’t work it, could you?” Byulyi asks in an accusing tone, “You just have to press one button!”

Everyone in the room giggles to the bickering couple, but Joohyun notices Seulgi scanning the room as if she’s looking for something in particular. The feeling in her gut turns out to be right when Seulgi’s eyes fall on Joohyun’s petite figure, face lighting up immediately. She smiles and waves at her before making her way towards her.

“Hey.” Seulgi greets, hands gripping the top of the chair that’s beside Joohyun’s, “You came.”

“I, uhm,” Joohyun stumbles over her words at being faced by Seulgi’s healing smile, “I found a gap in my schedule.”

Seulgi nods with understanding. “It must be hard, right? You’re a senior and all. Sorry I asked you to come.”

Joohyun’s eyebrows shoot up at the random apology, stomach turning upside down at the younger’s guilt-ridden words. She swings her hands in front of her as if to say it’s okay. “No! I liked that you invited me. I mean… not like, yeah.”

Seulgi giggles, the melodic sound making Joohyun want to hear it over and over again. “So, can I sit next to you?”

“Sure.” Joohyun agrees quickly, hoping she’s not blushing but the heat she feels creeping up her neck proves her otherwise. She vaguely recognizes it’s Byulyi who turns off the lights after hitting the play button and then settling down next to her girlfriend in the front row. It’s amusing to see them so unaffected by their banter earlier. They must do this a lot, Joohyun thinks.

Momentarily forgetting that Seulgi’s next to her, she’s surprised to hear her speak for a second.

“I haven’t seen you in school before.” She whispers, voice dripped in raw curiosity.

Joohyun appreciates her attempt at small talk, accepting to adjust to this slow tempo of speaking despite her racing heart. “Neither did I. I only saw you at the cafe.”

Seulgi’s interest piques at the mention of her part-time job, eyes shining as she starts talking again. “Right! You should come by sometime. I mean…” Her tone gets low for a moment before she picks up her enthusiasm again, but Joohyun’s watching her too closely to miss that a delightful shade of red is coloring her cheeks, “I could give you some free stuff. I have an employee’s sale that I can use. And we can, y’know, chat.”

Smiling nervously, Joohyun glances at the big screen. She answers when she confirms that the opening credits are still rolling. “I wouldn’t want you to use your sale on me when you could use it for yourself.” She says truthfully, and then rushes to add, “But I would really like to come by and chat.”

“Yeah?” Joohyun sees Seulgi with a triumphant grin, “It’s a… I mean it’s decided then.”

Many hours later Joohyun relives this moment a thousand times in her head even though she tries to refrain from it. She doesn’t want to think about Seulgi’s adorable face or the way she shyly asked her to accompany her to her dorm after the ending credits.

If she had to be honest, Joohyun had her fair share of stuttering admirers over the years. She knew what was it like to be courted, what was it like to be watched with a pure desire even though she decided to be away from that kind of attention ever since she entered college. At best, she found the attempts of her loverboys non-harmful, but Seulgi, on the other hand, seems actually sweet to Joohyun with her offer.

Something inside her tells her to just embrace it.

**

This isn’t as easy as she had thought.

Especially when she spends most of her time with people who knows just would disagree.

“Hah!” Myunghee exclaims one day when she’s checking a board with bunch of club posters, “Is the LGBT club still active? Such nonsense.”

“Yeah,” One of their other friends chimes in, “Remember when last year there was a campaign to get it closed?”

“A shame it failed.” Myunghee waves a dismissive hand, somehow making Joohyun’s blood boil. Everyone she met there was so nice, how could Myunghee talk like that?

“Why do you say that?” Joohyun interrupts despite her shy nature. Something inside her was awaken, her anger suddenly blooming like a red rose with thorns. “Did you even ever meet someone from the club?”

She senses the atmosphere suddenly tense upon her harsh remark, all her dearest _friends_ staring at her in different states of disbelief. Joohyun does her best to look up at them with a matching expression even though she’s frightened by the reaction she will get.

“It’s just unnatural, isn’t it?” A boy from the table nervously laughs, making Joohyun’s eyebrows twitch with rage.

“Who are you to decide what is natural or not?” Joohyun shoots back, watching everybody uncomfortably fidget in their seats. They must be shocked to see this side of Joohyun.

“Joohyun, are you—” Someone starts, but Joohyun beats her to it.

“I don’t need to be gay to be a decent person.”

It’s only in that moment that Joohyun realizes how temporary all those people watching her are. Despite knowing each other for several years, none among them actually knew anything about Joohyun. They were always so shallow, never bothering to dive deep into the mind of Joohyun to just even try to understand her. They were always there when times were good, the mood was joyous but as soon as any of them saw one little grey cloud that indicated real emotions in Joohyun’ sky. Now all she wanted to do was to send her winds their way and blew them far away from her skies.

She takes her tray with sharp motions without saying anything and gets up, looking for somewhere else to sit quietly and eat. She doesn’t hear someone call after her.

But then again, help comes in the most unexpected ways, when she finally puts her tray down on to a table. She looks up and sees the girl from a few days ago towering over her, her significantly smaller companions standing by her two sides.

“Hi.” The fairy girl, Seungwan, greets her, and then adds upon sensing Joohyun’s confusion, “You looked lonely.”

“We also happened to witness the small stunt you pulled back there.” The girl on the left -Yerim?- comments, face supporting a mischievous expression.

“Very brave.” Sooyoung states as Seungwan gives them both a stern expression as if to say _don’t scare the poor girl away._

Joohyun doesn’t express how she’s actually quite far from running away, she’s, in fact, touched by the gesture of the younger girls.

“Uhm, have a seat, please.” She manages to choke out.

So the scene plays out like this, Joohyun is trying to finish her cold meal as a nervous wreck, and the three girls are watching Joohyun with identical expressions that makes them look like they each have something to say. After a while Joohyun puts her chopsticks down and turns to the trio, uncomfortable with being inspected. She stares with amusement when all three suddenly averts their gazes, focusing on different objects in the packed cafeteria.

“So…” Joohyun starts in order to break the awkward atmosphere, “What are you guys majoring in?”

She sees Seungwan’s eyes twinkle as she answers. “Oh! I’m majoring in music, Yerim as well and Sooyoung is majoring in theatre. What about you, sunbae?”

“I’m studying cinema.” Joohyun answers before eyeing the three, her logic losing over her curiosity, “Ah, what about that girl on the club?” She pauses to make it seem like she’s thinking for a moment. “Seulgi, was it?”

It’s Yerim who answers with shining eyes and a smile tugging on the corner of her mouth. “Seulgi unnie’s a double major. Fine arts and performance.”

“Double major?”

“Yup.”

“Doesn’t she have a part-time job?”

“Yup.”

“She’s the vice-president of the club as well.”

“Yup.”

“Wow.” Joohyun can’t help but be flabbergasted, making the other girls giggle. “How does she manage?”

“I think Seulgi’s hardworking by nature.” Seungwan tries to explain, “She just hopes to be better and better each day.”

“One of her many great qualities.” Sooyoung adds with an excited voice and then winks exaggeratedly, prompting Seungwan to elbow her discreetly.

“She told us many good things about you too.” Seungwan picks the conversation once again, “You talked a lot the other day, during the movie screening.”

Joohyun feels the heat on her cheeks as the crimson color splashes all over her face, remembering the deep conversation she had with Seulgi as the sound of Sookhee destroying a library for Lady Hideko played on the background, the cold color palette of the scene glimmering on Seulgi’s golden skin.

“She did?” Joohyun hopefully asks when she can pull herself out of the dreamland she’s in. “What did she say?”

“You know, she said you seemed really nice and stuff.”

Joohyun turns to Yerim with expectation of hearing more but the younger girl doesn’t say further, only maintains eye contact with Joohyun.

“That’s it?” Joohyun hopes she could sugarcoat the disappointment in her voice with curiosity but she knows that she’s failed when she sees one of Yerim’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Ah, of course, how can I forget?” She giggles, “She also said you were super pretty.”

**

Joohyun finds herself fitting right into the dynamic of the younger girls. She somehow feels like it’s where she was meant to be. Days turn into weeks and she finds herself getting more and more comfortable around them. Except—

“Sunbae!” She hears a familiar voice call her, she has the urge to fasten her steps to avoid talking. But her heart is on her sleeve once again so she stops and turns on her heels, facing Seulgi.

“Hey, Seulgi.” She greets, getting a good look of the brunette’s face, “How are you?”

“I’m great now that I saw you!” Seulgi answers, “I-I mean, anyway, do you want to come by to the coffee shop tomorrow evening? The whole club will be there.”

Joohyun inspects Seulgi’s nervous figure for a moment before frowning. For some reason, a feeling in her tells her to run away from Seulgi, far away to the safety of her old life with her old friends.

“I’m not sure, Seulgi.” Joohyun mumbles, mouth sputtering out an excuse as a reflex, “I think I have some plans tomorrow.”

“Oh.” She watches as Seulgi’s expression visibly turns upside down before she smiles again, but this time it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “That’s too bad. But don’t hesitate to drop by if you can!”

She walks beside Joohyun silently for the next few moments, her face supporting the same semi-disappointed expression all along until Joohyun feels bad about being the cause of it.

“Uh, you know what?” She starts, cursing herself in her head, “I think I can make it after all.”

The drastic change in Seulgi’s face makes Joohyun fascinated with her, the younger’s eyes sparkling with happiness and mouth curling upwards, caught in an endearing smile. It makes Joohyun want to be the reason of it every day.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally i could update c:   
> hope you liked it!


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i'm so sorry i didn't update for months. i just lost my inspiration for this but hey, i'm back!!

The giddiness inside her stomach makes it impossible to calm down. It’s a little bit stuffy in the shop and she can spot her friends from where she’s standing, reluctant to go over to them. She sees her from a distance, she’s all smiles and gentle giggles once again, making Joohyun’s heart beat faster in her ribcage. She’s not working tonight so she’s just a mere customer, dressed in comfortable worn-out jeans and a plain white shirt. She looks laid-back like that as if she’s a part of the decoration of the calming coffee shop where the chit-chat and clinking of the cups is the most dominant source of sound.

“Oh!” She hears someone suddenly call out, making Joohyun slightly jump in surprise because of the unexpected voice, “Unnie, you’re here.”

When she turns around she’s face to face with Sooyoung who just slipped inside the door and is looking at Joohyun with a big grin. “Nervous?”

Joohyun blinks up to her. “Why—Why would I be nervous?”

Upon hearing this, the younger’s smile gets even bigger if possible and she just slings an arm around Joohyun’s shoulders. “Because of Seulgi unnie.”

Before Joohyun can even form a coherent response, Sooyoung drags her over the table their friends are sitting at. Their conversation abruptly dies down when Seulgi spots them, standing up so suddenly that she accidentally bumps her leg on the table, resulting with a grimace and a curse muttered under her breath. Yet she gathers herself quickly and shows them a grin. “Joohyun unnie, you are here!” She exclaims, then adds hurriedly, “Uh, and Sooyoungie too.”

Joohyun lowers her head, getting shy under the younger girl’s fixed gaze. “Hi.” She mutters under her breath, a coy smile growing on her face.

“I, uhm, I saved you a seat.” Seulgi continues, her voice is equally reserved. She takes her backpack from the chair beside hers and smiles at the older girl. Joohyun makes her way towards her, with a little push from Sooyoung, and hopes that the heat radiating from her face is just because of the warm cafe shop and not reddening cheeks.

When she is settled, Seulgi turns to her and starts speaking in a soft voice as if she only wants her to hear it. “Hi, I’m glad you came.”

She answers with a chuckle. “Yeah? Me too.”

Their conversation gets mixed with the others around them and before any of them know it, it’s nighttime and the small shop is closing soon. They go outside as Seulgi’s coworker is cleaning the tables before locking the door, their small group is full of good evenings and see you laters. Amongst the sea of good wishes, it’s Seulgi who comes near her. Joohyun half expects her to bid her goodbyes and go her own way, but as it seems the younger has another idea since she fixes the way her cap sits on her head and turns to Joohyun, “I’ll walk you home.” She suggests, “If that’s okay?”

Yerim, who’s been standing by Joohyun’s side, chimes in, “Unnie, isn’t your dorm the opp- Ow!” She’s interrupted by Seungwan who elbows her in the rib, maybe because of the older’s stern gaze she carries on with a nervous chuckle, “I mean, I got it mixed up. It was Sooyoung unnie’s.”

Seulgi doesn’t avert her gaze from Joohyun like she’s still waiting for her permission as the other girls wish them a good night and leave, their back views getting smaller and smaller.

“Will you be okay?” Joohyun asks the girl before her. She’s a sight to see under the dark blue night sky, her barely illuminated face is a canvas full of soft lines and gentle colors. “You don’t have to walk with me, it’s kind of late.”

Seulgi’s eyes are warm as she giggles. “It’s alright, I want to spend more time with you. Just lead the way, hm?”

With a softly murmured okay, they set off on their way. Their mutual silence makes Joohyun think if they’re lost inside the similar thoughts, both with racing hearts and rosy cheeks. Their hands bump into each other a few times, and with a spun of courage Joohyun takes Seulgi’s inside hers. She fixes her gaze on the ground they walk on, but she still feels Seulgi’s curious eyes on herself. 

“So that you don’t get lost.” She explains, a smile setting on her face. She still has no courage to match Seulgi’s gaze.

 

**

 

If she had to confess, house parties aren’t generally Joohyun’s style. She hates loud places, and the worst is that she’s really not great with alcohol. So, she could confidently say that she would prefer a small get-together among friends to this… whatever this is.

The bass is deafening from the moment she steps inside Sooyoung’s dorm, and there are already some people who are drunkenly making out on the couch. Joohyun cringes a little at the thought, but goes on, with the sole purpose of finding Seungwan who is the person she imagines to be the most reasonable among their friend group of five. 

She’s fairly surprised when she manages to spot her, the Canadian is on the dance floor with Sooyoung. The two girls are grinding to some R&B song that’s too explicit for Joohyun’s taste, she averts her gaze not to witness something she doesn’t want to -or shouldn’t- see. With Seungwan out of the picture, Joohyun wonders who she should go find to hang out with, since going to a party and running away without speaking to anyone would be bizarre.

The answer comes in the form of Kang Seulgi, of course, it’s always Seulgi. She taps her shoulder gently. “Hey, you.”

To be honest, the things between them were fragile up to this point. After that night where Seulgi walked her home, they haven’t been talking much. Not because Joohyun didn’t want to, but because Joohyun was scared of what to come following all this.

Seulgi turns on her heels, her whole face lights up when she sees it’s her. “Hi, yourself.” She greets.

Joohyun can tell the younger is getting a little tipsy, because her words have a sloppy edge to them which is never there when she’s completely sober. She giggles, “Have you just arrived? I can get you a drink.”

She says, “That’d be great.” simultaneously as Seulgi grabs her one of the cups that’s sitting on the bar stool near, handing her the red liquid. 

“What’s this?” Joohyun makes a face as she smells the drink, there is a hint of raspberry.

Seulgi shrugs, “I’m not sure. It’s some kind of cocktail? I think Wendy has this friend who worked as a bartender a while ago…”

Joohyun uncharacteristically downs the glass in a few gulps, already feeling a little tingly. She is such a lightweight after all. “So, what were you doing before I arrived?” 

Seulgi shouts to make herself heard. “I was dancing!” Joohyun can sense that she’s a little gigglier than she realized in the first place.

With a sudden bolt of courage, Joohyun shouts back. “Do you wanna dance together?”

She sees Seulgi’s eyes shine with giddiness as she frantically nods, already leading the way to the crowded dance floor. Joohyun’s not too sure about what to do at this point, but she trusts Seulgi and decides to just let loose.

So, they dance until Joohyun’s head gets a little bit dizzy from the mix of alcoholic beverages and the younger woman’s growing closeness, the heats radiating from their bodies pulling them closer like magnets. She doesn’t think much of it at first, but it’s there, evident in their brief touches and their glances that are not so shy anymore. Then it surfaces when Seulgi grins down at her charmingly, eyes glinting with something Joohyun can’t quite name. 

Joohyun doesn’t think too much ahead when she leans forward and brings their lips together in a hasty motion, tasting the surprised gasp on Seulgi’s mouth. Yet her shock doesn’t linger around furthermore since she wraps a strong arm around Joohyun’s waist, pulling her closer. 

Joohyun has kissed her fair share of boys. But Seulgi is something else, something so intoxicating yet addicting at the same time that it’s almost scary how good being in her arms feels. It’s like there’s a bickering cacophony inside her mind, each side yelling at her their own opinions. It’s getting too good, too bad and too much and her poor brain fails to process all the emotions that are coming its way all at once. 

Joohyun pushes Seulgi off her and runs.

 

**

 

It’s a different kind of misery when she goes straight to her apartment with a cloudy mind, the one that once Seulgi stood on the threshold of and waved her goodbye, while trying to ignore all the ‘Hyun!”s, ‘Where are you going’s and the worst of it all, ‘I’m sorry’s. Seulgi had followed her to the door, in both confusion and pain. It killed Joohyun to blow her off, but she had to in order to clear her mind. And now, in her dimly lit living room, she feels even more forlorn than she ever has.

Joohyun doesn’t know herself anymore. She’s not sure about the limits of this immense attraction, she doesn’t know how far it goes. She’s not sure if she can give Seulgi what she wants, and to top it all she doesn’t know what she, herself, wants anymore.

Joohyun is scared.

What if Seulgi isn’t who she wants after all? She doesn’t know about her stance in this whole… thing. This is all very new to her, a series of events which she has a hard time processing. And the last thing she wants to do is to hurt Seulgi, the kind, hardworking, beautiful Seulgi who’s so immensely wonderful in all the ways possible that Joohyun sometimes has to do a reality check to confirm her existence on this earth. Each time she’s right into Joohyun’s time and space, and her presence is so delightfully pleasing that she makes Joohyun overwhelmed with just a simple giggle sometimes.

Compared to that, Joohyun is difficult. She’s indecisive, too calm, not good enough. She honestly can’t name three things that she’s good at in life. Unlike Seulgi who’s double majoring with a part-time job and club activities. Her gloomy quietness would drown out Seulgi’s usually cheerful vibe. Joohyun is the kind of person that would prefer to spend her Friday nights in her room or doing laundry by herself. Not like Seulgi who always has to be somewhere, be it meeting with friends or managing club activities. They are too different, Joohyun reasons, they would never work even if Joohyun wanted it to work.

The real question here, does she want it to work? How is she still Joohyun if she can’t even confess this to herself? It’s unfair to Seulgi. She deserves so much more than what Joohyun can give to her, at least more than her clumsy feelings and lingering attraction. It all feels like a sharp cliff, and Joohyun has no other option but to jump. She feels like someone will get hurt either way, because of her own actions too.

Let it be her, then, she firmly decides. She would rather push herself in the flames than hurting Seulgi even more.

She calls it a night at that, choosing a slumber to cure her alarmed mind from the invasion of never-ending thoughts.

The next times that she is defeated by the need to sleep aren’t all that better either. She finds that it’s harder than she had originally thought to stop going to weekly club meetings or stopping by café that Seulgi works at. She hopes to be back to her usual self in no time yet it doesn’t seem like her old loner self is what she seeks to be once again. She gets updated about Seulgi through Seungwan and the others, who had strategically divided their group of five into two in order to be there for both of them. She catches glimpses of the younger sometimes, her hair now a light shade of blonde. Their eyes never meet but that doesn’t prevent Joohyun from seeing the sadness in her eyes, and in moments like this she’s almost sure that the blonde had spotted her seconds before her and turned away to avoid Joohyun. 

It’s a gloomy Saturday when they meet again. 

It’s a coincidental thing, really. Joohyun hadn’t planned on seeing the girl that still makes her heart clench when she had walked out of her dorm that day, dressed casually in comfortable sweatpants and a hoodie. Yet, she concludes that fate is still a funny thing when she pushes the door to her -new- favorite coffee shop and spots Seulgi sitting by the bar stool. 

The catch is, she’s not alone. She’s sitting with a girl, who Joohyun recognizes as Wheein from the club. They’re giggling among themselves, their shoulders brushing past each other. They seem cozy, Joohyun notices, a ping of sorrow suddenly making its way into her heart. Realization hits her harder than she had expected, taking her by surprise. She had a chance, and now she had blown it forever. 

Joohyun tries to gulp down the lump in her throat. 

It doesn’t go away.

**

 

She stops asking about Seulgi during her meetups with Sooyoung, Yerim and Seungwan. She doesn’t stop looking for her in the crowds though.  She wonders if she ever will. 

She doesn’t.

The next time she’s face to face with Seulgi is a lot sooner than she had thought it would be. Before their weekly dinner Yerim mentions that they’ll be having a very special guest. In her self-pitying mind, Joohyun concludes that it must be that Yerim had found a significant other so that naturally means she’s the only one left in their friendship group that’s single and hopeless. Her thoughts linger until Yerim comes dragging an obviously restless Seulgi behind her, making her jaw slack upon the sudden meeting.

“There, I’m so sick of you two avoiding each other.”

It’s both a curse and a blessing when she instinctively turns to look at Seulgi’s face and finds her as uncomfortable as she feels. “I’m not the one avoiding her.” She mumbles, but still takes a seat right next to Seungwan, who shoots daggers at Yerim and mouths some -probably threatening- words. The youngest just shrugs as if to say it had to be done upon seeing her fury. 

Surprisingly, the awkward atmosphere is broken by Seulgi. “Uhm, so, how have you been?”

Their eyes meet for the first time after weeks. Joohyun isn’t sure how she can describe what she’s feeling. It’s like all this time she was on autopilot and the engines of her heart are awaken by Seulgi’s calm gaze. She’s soaring once again, feeling the familiar, firm beats inside her ribcage fastening. She can’t help but chuckle lightly. “I guess you could say that I’m doing well. I don’t do much though.” 

Seulgi nods. Joohyun notices that she’s leaning back on her chair now, she should’ve been nervous about meeting her too. “I’m glad.” She shortly replies, “I’ve been doing well too.”

Joohyun doesn’t ask the question at the tip of her tongue. She doesn’t want to bring up Wheein, or any other possible dates, when they’ve just started to talk to each other rather than running away upon the other’s sight. She doesn’t know how to expand the conversation, but thankfully this is where Sooyoung intervenes.

“You know,” She starts, eyes looking at them questioningly, “I thought this meeting would be a lot dramatic, like k-drama style. You guys are so boring.”

Seulgi snorts. “Don’t be ridiculous, Sooyoung. There’s no reason for us to be dramatic at all.” She sharply turns to Joohyun, “It was no big deal. Right, unnie?”

Joohyun resists the urge to let out a surprised sound. The bitter truth is finally out. When she was brooding, going through heartbreak and missing Seulgi, the girl in question was probably wondering why she was turning this into such a big issue, possibly going on dates and living her best life. Joohyun can’t say that she’s not hurt by this revelation but she plays it cool. 

“Sure.” Joohyun confirms, “I don’t know why it took so long for us to speak again.”

Seulgi gestures to Joohyun vaguely. “See, no biggie.” 

The oldest replies with a grin, hoping that no one notices that her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes for the rest of the night.

 

** 

 

She doesn’t let Seulgi fall right back into her routine, even if she wants to do it so bad. She’s trying to protect herself from the heartbreak in a way, now that it’s confirmed that Seulgi doesn’t feel the same about her. Their kiss was probably a hazy memory for her, if not a mistake. It was Joohyun who let this drunken endeavour ruin their friendship. Then again maybe it was ruined right from the beginning, where Joohyun would get butterflies everytime she glanced at Seulgi. So, no, she doesn’t let her in her life immediately. 

Instead, she turns away to talk to Seungwan each time she feels Seulgi’s eyes on her, whenever Seulgi addresses her directly she says something polite yet quiet and lets the conversation die down. She can’t let herself fall deeper than she already has.

Seungwan asks her about it one day, with the quietest voice possible and a small smile settled on her face.

“Unnie, you like Seulgi, right?”

Joohyun halts, the knife she’s using to cut vegetable in hand and eyes Seungwan anxiously. Well, if was there a point in hiding anymore?

“Mm,” She establishes, back to cutting carrots, “I do.”

She hears Seungwan sigh and mutter some words in a low tone before she speaks up, voice louder and clearer this time. “Why don’t you tell her?”

“I don’t think she feels the same.” Joohyun murmurs. She needs to act casually in order to make Seungwan think she’s not as hang up on this as she is in reality. She proceeds to check the noodles they’re cooking. “It’s okay, it’s just a crush.”

The younger’s next words makes her stop and turn to her. “How do you know?” Seungwan hesitates briefly before she continues, “You two kissed, right? Before you two stopped talking.”

Joohyun gulps, tries to keep her expression neutral yet she knows she failed when Seungwan cracks a smile. There’s a teasing glint in her eyes when the younger speaks again, “Why are you so surprised? We may bicker a lot but Seulgi is my best friend. We tell each other things.” 

“Oh.” Joohyun answers unintelligibly, “Did she say anything about, uhm, you know what, I don’t want to know.”

The Canadian is giggling before Joohyun can finish her sentence. “You have to ask her, not me.” She says in a mysterious manner, “All I can say is that you’re not the only one confused.”

This bit of information doesn’t quite fit the puzzle inside Joohyun’s mind. “Isn’t she seeing Wheein?”

“Wheein?” Seungwan repeats in a high-pitched voice, she almost spills the sauce inside of the small pot she’s holding, “No. Why would you think that? Besides, Wheein’s with Hyejin as far as I know.”

It’s Joohyun’s turn to be surprised, suddenly feeling foolish to believe her assumptions are facts. Seungwan frowns upon seeing her state of confusion on Joohyun face, shaking her head.

“You know, Joohyun unnie, you’re a bit oblivious.”

As far as it goes, Joohyun can’t really say she’s surprised that much when Seulgi approaches her when they’re all having a picnic and asks her to take a walk with her, alone. The younger was looking on edge the whole car ride, Joohyun was pretty sure she had her headphones on but no music was playing. So, Joohyun prepares herself to politely decline, making up something about how she has to stay back to keep Sooyoung and Yerim from running off to woods but she spots the helpless look in Seulgi’s eyes and answers positively despite herself.

They sneakily make their way towards the path that leads to  ancient decorative pool that’s out of order of the park, both knowing that if they were to make some noise the other three wouldn’t leave them alone. The first few minutes are silent, save it for the chattering from around and every second that passes make Joohyun more and more nervous. 

“Unnie, I don’t understand a thing.” Seulgi cuts through the calmness after a while. Her eyes are fixed on the horizon, she actually looks as if she’s talking to herself. “And it’s making me crazy. You… you’re making me crazy.”

Joohyun’s jaw slacks, deciding that it’d be best to let the girl talk. 

“Sometimes you’re sweet, you smile at me and I think, ‘Oh, maybe she’s feeling this too.’ But the next moment, you turn away from me. You kiss me and then you push me away. You don’t talk to me for weeks but you are immediately back to normal as soon as we see each other from me.” Seulgi sounds almost desperate, all the frustration penting up inside her ready to get out, “And I think that you made up your mind. But then you play this…” She vaguely gestures between them, “This game of hot and cold. I can’t help but feeling like you’re playing with me.”

Joohyun’s flabbergasted by all the things she had just heard. All of a sudden she wants to cry and run giggling at the same time. The warm fuzzy feeling in her chest wins over, she tries hard to fight off the grin that’s threatening to break on her face to form a coherent, serious reply. She finally blurts out some clumsy words but that’s the best she can at the center of this tempest of emotions. “Seulgi, I thought… I couldn’t give you what you wanted. Then I panicked and everything was a mess. I…”

“This is not true.” Seulgi interrupts, obviously has had enough of Joohyun. The older readies herself to some kind of scolding or rejection but Seulgi just lets out a shaky breath and continues. “Because all I want is you.”

The sprout of happiness grows fully inside Joohyun, and for the first time in months she can properly breathe again. “Really?” She asks in a small voice and feels the need to repeat, “You’re sure?”

The sudden change in Joohyun’s mood reflects itself on Seulgi’s face, a toothy grin blooming on her face. The cloudy doubt inside her eyes lift, there’s only confidence remains. “I thought you were the one who wasn’t sure.”

Joohyun can’t help but let out a laugh. “I wasn’t. But then I was and I thought you weren’t.” She stops, “God, we’re both idiots.”

Seulgi’s melodious laugh fills her ears as they come closer like opposite sides of a magnet. Their lips automatically find each other. This time it’s calm, almost assuring and it’s everything Joohyun had been unconsciously longing for. 

They both can’t stop giggling when they part until Joohyun finds her voice again, and starts in a wistful voice. “I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult.” She apologizes, “But I promise, I’ll be better from now on. It’s just that I’ve been so conflicted before.”

Seulgi envelops her hand inside hers. “It’s okay. I’m very patient.”

“No, you’re not.” Joohyun reminds, squeezing the hand holding hers, “But thank you for waiting for me.” She puts out her pinky towards Seulgi. “No more waiting?”

Seulgi intertwines their fingers together, smiling. “No more waiting.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come scream about this fic on   
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/buzukiff)  
> or  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/buzukiff)

**Author's Note:**

> hey there! hope you enjoyed it. :) chapter two will come... when i write it
> 
> find me on social media!  
> twitter: @buzukiff  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/buzukiff


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